I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
