Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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