About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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