his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
