oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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