On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
