Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
