Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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