and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
