Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
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