if only i could text you this smell
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
