literally had 100 drinks last night.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
