my phone needs a breathalizer
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
