i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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