I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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