We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
