My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Randomize
