Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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