Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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