then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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