do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
