plz talk dirty to me
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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