Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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