Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
