Having a random hookup so left but love u
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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