And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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