If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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