my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
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I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!