drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?