there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
