When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
