Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
