I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
