Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
