Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
