Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Randomize
