Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
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