i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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