I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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