Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
