I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
