We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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