he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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