Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Randomize
