corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
