I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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