accomplished twins. life is a go
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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