new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize