trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
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I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
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My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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