You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
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She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am one with the molecules
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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