mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
