If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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