The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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