Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Randomize
