I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
It's never too late to be topless.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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