I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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